Tuna...stop it.

Answer the phone and tell me you're all alone

2008-12-02T01:56:04Z

Living alone is better than any therapy you can pay for (albeit a bit cheaper than the rent) especially when you've gone further than the bottom and shoved away everything besides the feeling of being too fucked off to care. Having cable television is good too but the warm feelings come when a decision is made to keep it off to lose yourself back into the long lost routine of insane sentence structure and declension tables (nominative! dative! instrumental! My heart swells).

I'm 20 years old again. I live in West Town Colony. I try to borrow batteries from my Asian neighbor and instead get a fantastic dinner and a kiss (cinnamon lips). I take care of Eli and Smokey and The Bandit. I get black hair dye on the ceiling because I dance too much. I wake up in the sun every single day because my bed is against the window I don't have to get to work until 3:30 pm and my job is something that makes me happy and combines the love of books and music...and I knew how to make a damn fine cappuccino or latte.

I don't see myself too far off from that again.

Carlos Mencia

2008-03-22T02:24:29Z

Yeah, he's not my favorite person in the world (and I'm not alone on that), but the way he ended one of his Comedy Central Stand Up bits right after 9/11 really got me and still makes me a little misty eyed when I hear it.

"..what makes life beautiful is the essence of the fact it can go away. See, you don't want to live like that. You don't want to be the person, do you, that had a fight? An inconsequential, insignificant, stupid fight with your spouse about who is supposed to open, close or turn out the light at that bedtime. So you did it but you were pissed and you stayed pissed with your wife. Not because it was real, but hell, we can make up later. Nothing better than make up sex is there? And in the morning you woke up and things were still bad, but you kept that because..hey, I'm going to come back and we're going to do it. And then what happened? You went to your building and you were saddened on that 90th floor and that happened and your ass is never going to go back home again. The best you could do is call your woman or man and say 'I love you' and you missed that last night. Why? Because you thought it would last forever. See, every comedy show you've ever been to ends with a big joke because that's what you need. I end with a big joke, you laugh, I say goodnight and that's how it's supposed to be. But that ain't life my friend, and if you learn anything from me, learn one thing - that sometimes...sometimes."

Math Time!

2008-02-26T03:20:11Z

Do you have a better grasp on basic arithmetic than a Publix cashier in her late 20s?

Situation: The total of my purchase comes to $9.13. I hand over a twenty dollar bill. You accidently type in that I handed over a fifty. The cash register says I should get $40.87. Can you figure out what the amount of change would be?

Well, she couldn't! She immediately went into a panicked state and muttered phrases along the lines of "Oh god" and "What do I do now". I was only trying to help when I told her the correct amount I should get in less than five seconds, but was she grateful? No. I was shot a downright evil glare and a snarky, "Are you sure?" and then proceeded to get out a pen to work it out on paper. Perhaps I should have waited at least ten seconds before saying anything, but holy lint - it isn't Laplace's equation. It's a simple I typed in that this girl gave me thirty dollars more than she actually did so I just subtract that amount from the $40.87.

I got my change and receipt shoved in my hand, no parting well wishes and absolutely no acknowledgment of my superior knowledge of 3rd grade subtraction.

People & Creatures I Wouldn't Want To Be

2008-02-15T01:02:04Z

1. The student swimming in open water and was videotaped getting her leg ripped off by a great white shark
2. The Lieutenant at Fort Shafter that told the radar station the incoming Japanese planes on December 7, 1945 were B-17s and ordered them to shut down
3. The squirrel being ripped apart by a hawk outside my window.
4. Anyone who manned the security gates at Logan Airport on September 11, 2001.
5. A harp seal.

Old Stuff Part One

2008-01-08T04:21:52Z

13.Aug.02

the power was out for three hours.

all i did was sit in a corner, trying desperately to read books in dim candlelight. oh yeah, i did complain about how bored i was.

made me feel rather juvenile. the electricity isn't functioning so my life is over. everyone else was content to sit and enjoy the silence. but not me. the fucking whiny brat who has to have six million things going on before i can just sit there and enjoy myself.

15.Aug.02

we sit across the room from each other. we're both focused on the television, but i seriously doubt we know what's flashing before us. it's pathetic. i understand life is frustrating, but isn't that part of the reason we're there for each other? to make it just a little better?

or am i totally missing the point of a relationship? are you supposed to drive each other to the point of breaking?

beautyxbrigade @ 2007-10-10T14:44:00

2007-10-10T18:53:24Z

I can't wait to glue a spatula to my arm.

This is lovely:

Interesting

2007-10-09T22:04:40Z

An underwriter remittance check, dated in 2005, found it's way into my work pile today. It needed to be mailed out, but obviously it was void (there's this little bit under the signature line that says something along the lines of void after 180 days) and should have been re-cut. Well, Head Twat marked through the old date in blue pen and hand wrote "Today's Date" above it.

Pre Heineken Keg Can: Oh my silly boss and her dingbat ways.

The Boyperson started sending me text messages about me cutting off his flesh tube in order to save humanity. Uhhh, I will not be taking part in this delusional (and no doubt drug induced) project. I'm quite fine with him raining apocalyptic piss all over the world. A fresh start never did any harm.

Post Heineken Keg Can: I'm gonna slug my boss in the head whilst singing the theme song for Reading Rainbow (chug-a-lug Donna...[sigh]).

Watch out kids, you can be gored by a deer and that's just embarrassing.

It's Something..

2007-01-26T17:07:21Z

gun___slinger says I should update this thing. I actually have tried a few times over the past few months, but I always just delete it. I feel like I have nothing I really want to say. Maybe I'll get out of this rut, maybe not. We shall see.

But since I am actually putting something here, why not have a little update?

I'm moving to Charleston, SC in May to enjoy the "southern" life with my cousin and those crazy Mount Pleasant kids (hopefully a transfer from PA as well?). That will be the highlight of 2007.

Dream A Little Dream

2006-02-05T18:12:56Z

Usually I have horrid nightmares about my own death or people I care about. Those have now been replaced with dreams of big name Islamic Terrorists. Most notably has been "Osama Bin Laden's Dance Party 2005" where he and his followers are dancing around a large bonfire to "Dare" by the Gorillaz.

Last night I had a vision of Saddam Hussein. While in court for crimes against humanity, he stands up and declares he has an announcement - He'd like to make a formal apology to the world. Suddenly members of the audience rise bearing homemade instruments (the guitar was made out of an AK-47). The lights dim and a spotlight appears on Saddam as he delivers this apology by doing a heartfelt rendition of Go Sailor's "A Fine Day For Sailing". When finished, the entire court room erupts with wild applause. Champagne is poured, hugs are given and the entire world gives a sigh of relief.

I'd really rather not go to sleep anymore.

Christmas Memories.

2005-12-26T15:46:14Z

In the late '80s, my father was taking part in war games and training with the Turkish Military. He was stationed in Murted, which is outside of Ankara. He was working with a man named Boshtosh (sp?), who looked as grizzled as he acted. He had a long scar down his face from a knife wound during a hand-to-hand combat. His idea of comedy was to royally cuss out the American forces in Turkish, while putting on a smile and shaking their hands. My father, who has been near deaf for as long as I can remember, thought he was speaking English and said, "What did you say?". Vulcan, a family friend, started yelling, "He knows! He knows!" to Boshtosh, who immediately clammed up and started spewing apologies and telling my father it was all in jest and he didn't mean to offend anyone. After Boshtosh left the room, my father asked Vulcan what the hell just happened.

These are the things my family discusses at the holidays.